This Months Subject: Dating – I’m scared to tell them I’m Big!
NOTE: In this article we are talking about hiding the fact of weight when
talking to a person through a phone line, dating site, personal ad or
other means of finding a date in which you do not meet in person right
away.
Even before I started the Large In
Charge newsletter with my co-owner Jay, I often talked to women and men
about dating. Finding the right person to date for, the right
reason. In the past two
years I have found dating to be 80% of what people talk about or want to
talk about. I often had conversations about where to go on a date, what
to do, and how to handle a dating situation from a big persons perspective. In the many conversations that I
have had online and offline,
a large amount of Big People just
straight out asked me.
“WHAT DO I DO?” “I haven’t told him/her that I am a fat!” “What
if they don’t like me anymore?”
I in turn asked them, “Why would you want someone who
won’t accept you because of your size?” “Why didn’t you tell them
right away that you are a big person?”
“Well I was getting to know them and now I am scared to meet
them?” or “I thought if they got to know me first they would like me even
though I’m big and now I’m not sure?”
After long talks with both men and women, I found the reason
why big people are hiding the fact they are big. FEAR, ACCEPTANCE, &
REJECTION! One is the fear that they will not be accepted, then there is
the Fear of being Rejected. Both of these fears stem from low self esteem
which most big people have in some way shape or form, me included. The
most confident Big person in the world has a little voice in there
somewhere saying, YOUR STILL FAT and you can try to think different, you
can try to say and act anyway you want but I'm still here telling you FAT
IS UGLY! You can ignore the little voice, and you can push it away but it
always comes back. Usually when things don’t work right or your not
feeling good. We always look for the imperfection in ourselves so that we
have a reason why life didn't turn out right. Society sees
fat as imperfect and the little voice of society, family and friends will
keep with you telling you that everything is wrong because you’re fat.
Then bring in some of the other things we might have low
self esteem over, “I’m to light, I’m to dark, My complexion looks like
crap, My breasts are to big or to small (In a man’s case, DAMN I have
breasts!), My butt is to flat or to wide or to much period, I’m not the
right race, I’m not smart, I’m not pretty/handsome enough or I’m to
pretty/handsome, I’m to tall or to short.” And a million other reasons to
hate who we are. We will never be satisfied because humans always want
what they don’t have. We are looking to be NORMAL or IDEAL, and unless we
are completely perfect (which no one is, that just doesn't exist) we are
unhappy. So we are always looking to be something we cant be, and
on top of all
those basic reasons we have to dislike ourselves, now we are fat too!
Take all
the reasons why big people can have low self esteem, squeeze it into this
big package and present it to a world who hates us. Some of us are
saying “HELL NO!” "I am not going to tell them I'm Fat." "I will just go
around it and maybe they will see past the fat?" Then reality hits, “They found
out I’m fat and they don’t want me anymore!”
Well look at what you’re doing! You are doing the very
thing we always complain about, FALSE ADVERTISING! Do you really think
that a person who doesn’t like to date big people will suddenly change?
Sometimes you might get a few that do but they are at least big curious!
You have to let people know who you are. If being fat is so negative for
you, that you can’t tell other people, what are you going to do to
change? And if you can’t or won’t change, what are you going to do to
accept yourself? Maybe you shouldn’t be trying to date until you can be a
proud big person. How can you expect someone else to accept you when you
can’t accept yourself?
Denying your Fatness is the same as denying your race and
culture; it makes up who you are. We have all met someone who told us
they looked like this or that and you stand in front of them saying, DAMN
YOU’RE A LAIR! Do you want to be a lair? Do you want to misrepresent
yourself? Do you want to false advertise? Dating is a big business in
this world. Not only dating websites and phone lines. Movies, entertainment and
restaurants and flower shops would all have a big loss if we didn’t date and go out and
get to know each other. Why would you want to try and talk to a person,
get to know them, have meaningful conversations, to never get the good
stuff, THE DATE!
Words from Readers
about Finding the right person to Date:
Raqui, You know who this is. I’m somewhere in-between BBW
and ssbbw. As you know I always had a problem with men and dating. I was
talking on the internet to this guy who I like sooooo much. We had been
talking for a year. He knows I'm a big girl but he thinks
I am about 150 lbs less than what I am. He has only seen a picture of my
face. We have done the card thing, the letter thing, and the chatting
thing. He always said he was going to come see me and he did. He called
me from the airport and left a message on my machine saying he bought a
ticket and was on his way. I got home and heard that message. I was
scared shitless. When he knocked on my door I didn’t want to open it and
when I did he was happy to see me but surprised. I was not the woman I
told him about, I made myself sound much smaller than I really am. He did
stay the weekend, nothing went on between us, and we had so many steamy
conversations in the past year I took that to mean that he wasn’t
attracted to me. Before he left he told me that he liked me, I told I
don’t think he does because of my weight. He told me that he doesn’t have
a problem with weight. But he does have a problem with woman who is not
confident. He also can’t stand a person who lies or manipulates a
situation. He said we could still be friends and he kissed me on the cheek
and left. At first I was insulted by his statement but now a month later
I look back and realize if I had just told him from the get go that I was
400lbs and gave him a picture of me full sized. We could have been very
happy. I lost out on this one. He now is talking to a SSBBW who is
bigger than me but more confident. Why did I hide? Just thought I would
send this to you and let you know I am going to change.
You know
who this is from Mass
I’m
really tired of women sometimes. They say they want a good man but only if
he looks like a stripper. You know, I work and I’m a decent guy, Ok I try
to be decent. I am a quite person, cant cook for shit. But I make a nice
little salary that I can pay my rent and bills and take my woman out to
dinner and a movie once every week or two. But I don’t got a woman. I’m
short and I'm a PR (Puerto Rican) and I’m fat. I wear like a 4X and
I'm
short so you know I'm big. When I talk to women they love to go to dinner
with me and kiss on me and pat me on my head. But none of them want to
keep me. I ended up lying to this one girl about myself and when we were
suppose to meet up, I sat on the bench across from
where she was and just watched her. I acted like I didn’t know who she
was and went over and asked her if she needed help. She looked like she
was looking for someone. She said she thought she was stood up. So I
said. Can I take you for coffee? She said sure. We laughed and had a lot
of fun together. After a little walk I decided to confess and tell her
who I was. When I did she looked at me and said. Is this some game you’re
playing? I said no that I thought she wouldn’t like me because of my
size. She said don’t judge me,
along
with a few other things,
and walked away. I called her a few times but she said that she didn’t
like being made a fool of. She took me wrong but I couldn’t say anything,
it was pretty sneaky to do that.
Marcus
This is a hard thing for me to do. I am writing to admit I have a
problem. I am ashamed of my weight. I have always been ashamed
when I was a BBW and now that I am a ssbbw it seems like the shame is on
overload. I have been taken
advantage of many times and really have never been on a real date. I
didn't know that people still did that. Go out just to keep company
and for a guy to get to know you, with out sex at the end of the night. I have been put in the position of
"Block Buster night Buddy" for years. I am always miss reliable,
always home, always by the phone, always bored like I'm just waiting for
someone to pass by. I have lied many times to men or just happened
not to tell them my weight. I use the phone lines and internet chats
for entertainment but then never meet anyone because I'm scared that they
will not like me anymore. I am self hating and I want to stop.
Your newsletter has helped me in some ways be proud of myself, I hope to
keep working to the day that I can be as proud as you are!
Trying to be Real
OK SO WHAT ARE YOU
SUPPOSED TO DO?
In the
world of phone lines and online dating. You have to be yourself and not
hide the fact that you’re a big person. You’re wasting time trying to
talk to someone who is not interested in you as a whole. To have a good
relationship the person has to like all of what you are. When you
continue to not tell the people you come across that you are a big individual
you’re setting yourself up for rejection after rejection. We all have a
preference and you have to find someone who is interested in you and what
you’re offering. Trying to make someone who likes slim men or women date
a big person is like trying to make a straight person date someone of
their own sex. It just doesn’t work! Doesn’t matter how much personality
the individual may have. If your straight your straight. A
homosexual, lesbian, same sex relationship will not work.
Appeal to
the people who appreciates who you are!
This might
sound crazy but I deal with dating like getting a job.
-
If I am interested in a *position at a certain
company* (Dating a certain person).
-
I put in an application and *represent myself
and my skills* (TELL THEM WHO I AM Physical and Mental).
-
If the company is *interested they will call
me for an interview and maybe hire me* (Have some dates, get to know
each other and maybe a relationship).
-
If they are not interested *I go about
putting in applications at another establishment* (move on and find
someone who wants what I have to offer)
It is as
easy as that, just say it, I’m a big person, Tell them how big. Say, If you don’t like big girls/guys tell me
now because I don’t want to waste your time or mine. You might have to
meet face to face sometimes
for them to see if they are interested in each other. There are
many people who date large people but Super Sized women or men might be a
bit much for there tastes. I got to be real, We all know we need to
find that person who likes our own individual style.
Dating
a Super Sized man or woman takes on a whole other way of thinking. Many
Super Sized people can’t walk very long distances and need to walk slowly.
Public transportation is probably out for most Super Sized people, so your
date should have a car or cab money. Some Super sized people don’t do well
with climbing steps. They can’t fit into just any space or seating.
Proper seating and locations are necessary. You need to point this out if
you’re going on a date with someone. They need to know what you need. It
is always best if you have checked out the areas near you this way if the
person doesn’t have a car. Cab fare is not too bad.
If
you’re Super Sized (like me) and you want to meet a potential date, try a
simple technique that I have used.
The
Brief Meet and Greet
-
You will come across those who date BBW women
make sure to tell them
you’re bigger than the average BBW (if your a SSBBW). They will probably want to meet you
in person to see what you’re talking about (not everyone knows what
SSBBW means). Start to meet face to face.
You are also getting a chance to check them out (remember you have a
choice also, they might not be your type!) If they seem unsure because
of the weight issue you should do this before you get any type of
attachment through conversation.
-
Meet at a general location, Do not say you’re
going out, do not meet for lunch, this is a no pressure situation. Just
take a moment to check each other out. When the person approaches you
and you see that you’re interested, stand up turn around and say. This
is me, you either like it or not, which one is it.
-
Some men
and women don’t want to hurt another persons feelings or want to get there feelings hurt by words such
as “Your to big for me.” Or “Your looks are not my type.” Used key
words when meeting, If one person doesn’t like the looks or size of the
other person they would say, “I have an appointment, so I need to go.”
That means you’re not interested. An easy polite let down. It works
To sum
it all up really easy. Go after what you truly want, what all of us want,
a person who loves you for everything you are. Someone who finds you
attractive, sexy, smart, bright and funny. Someone who appreciates every
inch of you. If you’re not telling
people everything about yourself then chances are you’re not going to find
that special person. BE BIG BE PROUD… SAY IT LOUD! Stop hiding behind
the internet and phone lines. It is time to come out and enjoy life!
Thank you for Reading Raqui's
Spot!
Would you
like to give your comments?
Email Raqui:
raqui@largeincharge.com
