The Adventures of Phatgurl
by Emily Suzanne
Smiltneck
The
Adventures Of Phatgurl
is a serial collection of stories about the adventures of Jany, a
plus-sized young woman who, in desperation, places an ad on a
personals website. As she embarks on her dates, she meets many
different kinds of men who expect many different things from her.
Some of her adventures are wildly amusing and others are more
serious and even sad.
If you have any
ideas or experiences, funny or otherwise, that you would like to see
depicted in a future Phatgurl story, please e-mail me at
emilysuzanne20@hotmail.com.
I will do my very best to incorporate all reader ideas into future
columns. Thanks!
The
Ad
SW SSBBW seeks SM willing to ask her out.
Need not buy gifts, remember dates, put toilet seat down. Video
game fanatics and men who require guys’ nights out okay. Willing to
watch action movies and avoid “the talk.” Reply to:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Candidate 6: Big Daddy Love
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
big_daddy_luv@personalz.com
Subject: Your Ad
Hey, baby. I saw your ad- pretty funny. I take it from your name
your a big girl. That's totally cool with me cause I’m a big guy
and I like big girls. I think maybe we should get together
sometime. Sound good?
To:
big_daddy_luv@personalz.com
From:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Subject: Re: Your Ad
Finally, someone gets that I was trying to be funny! Most people
just think that I’m desperate and pathetic, which I probably am, but
I’m funny, too! lol So tell me more about you—what you do for a
living, what you do for fun, what you’re looking for, that kind of
stuff. Oh, yeah, and what your name is. I work as a
receptionist/housekeeper/cashier/salesperson in an art gallery, I
like music and art and books, and I’m just sort of looking to see
what’s out there. If you have a job at all, you’re already ahead of
most of the guys I’ve met on here. You do have a job, right? Hope
to hear from you soon. -Jany
p.s. Do you have something against apostrophes? I noticed you don’t
seem to be a big fan of using them in appropriate places. ;)
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
big_daddy_luv@personalz.com
Subject: Re: Re: Your Ad
Something against aposterphes? Not sure what you mean. But anyway,
yeah, love to get to know you sometime. I work in a factory making
paper plates. Don’t laugh. Trust me, I get laughed at a lot for
that. But hell, its a job, and a decent one, too. I’m into fishing
and watching movies and gambling. Thats pretty much all I do other
than work. So where do you live? So we can figure out where we
should meet and all. Oh, yeah, and the names Dale.
To:
big_daddy_luv@personalz.com
From:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Subject: Getting Together
I live right downtown, near the all the art galleries and such.
We could meet at a mall somewhere or something, maybe. That’d work
for me, anyway. And yes, something against apostrophes. You know,
these: ’. You’re supposed to put them in contractions, like you’re,
for example. And you didn’t. lol I’ll forgive you, though, since
you seem to be gainfully employed. Just let me know where you want
to meet, and when. Fridays and Saturdays are usually best for me,
but I could get together just about any night after like 6:30 or so,
really. Later.
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
big_daddy_luv@personalz.com
Subject: Re: Getting Together
I live about 45 minutes from downtown on the train, but I could get
off by Eastshore Plaza. Saturday afternoon sound good? We could
grab lunch and hang out for a while. I suppose youll want to do
some shopping, being a chick and all. Then maybe catch a movie, but
not one of those mushy stupid chick flicks. Something good. A man
movie. Meet me by the food court door at 1, woman. I’ll be wearing
a red sweatshirt with a half naked woman on it. Look for me.
To:
big_daddy_luv@personalz.com
From:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Subject: Re: Re: Getting Together
Ha! Woman? WOMAN? I have a name, buddy! lol And I’d suggest you
wear something less offensive. Well, wear the red sweatshirt so I
recognize you, but then take it off and throw it away. Really. See
you Saturday. Might be 1:30. I would have been there at 1, but you
seem to take some things for granted and I need to keep you on your
toes. See ya then!
Had she really typed that message? Had she really
sent it? This Dale guy already seemed to be bringing out the
worst in her. Or maybe it was the best.
For some reason, she wasn’t feeling the nerves this
time, not like she had before. Maybe because leaving James’ house
had been sort of a rock bottom moment for her. Rock bottom was
probably a good place to start a relationship from. If all hope has
been beaten out of you, you can give up expectations of success and
just have fun.
Jany got to the mall early on Saturday despite her
threat to Dale. She figured she’d run into the book store and grab
something to read while she waited. That way she could be there
when he got there without looking like she’d been awaiting his
arrival too eagerly.
At one o’clock, there was no sign of Dale. He had
obviously taker her at her word. At twenty after, she still didn’t
see a big guy in a red sweatshirt anywhere, and by one thirty-five,
she’d begun to accept the fact that she’d been stood up. But with
the protection of her new who-cares attitude, it didn’t even bother
her. Not much, anyway. As long as she kept her nose in her book so
she didn’t have to see the man and woman sitting at the table next
to her with their three kids, or the teenage couple walking past and
holding hands.
It was almost two when the chair opposite Jany’s at the
table scraped along the floor and someone sat down in it. She
refused to look up from her book, even though it had been several
minutes since she had actually been reading it. Every muscle in her
body tense, she waited. Maybe it wasn’t even Dale, just someone
borrowing a chair for the next table or something. She’d just wait
to see if whoever it was said anything to her. And it took a while,
but he finally did.
“Hey, Phatgurl, how’s it going?”
Jany’s book fell to the table and her head snapped up.
She stared at the man in front of her. He was definitely a big guy,
but he wasn’t wearing a distasteful red sweatshirt. He actually
looked quite respectable, if not overly attractive.
“Don’t look all offended. If you don’t want people to
call you that, you shouldn’t have used it as your screen name. It’s
not like I made it up on my own or something.”
Jany intended to remind him once again that she had a
name, but when her mouth opened up, those weren’t the words that
came out.
“How did you know I was me?”
“I didn’t, really, but it seemed like a pretty sure
bet. You’re screen name is Phatgurl and you’re a pretty big girl.
You said you like to read and you’re the only one sitting in the
food court of the mall reading- that sorta draws attention. You
said you work in an art gallery and you’re dressed in all black with
that weird swirly thing around your shoulders that looks like
something an artsy fartsy person would wear. I figured it was worth
a shot. At best, I was right and at worst, I was wrong but still
managed to start a conversation with a hot chick.”
“Oh.” It was all Jany could come up with to say. She
was still half offended, even though she knew she shouldn’t be. If
she was branding herself as Phatgurl, she didn’t have a right to be
upset when people called her Phatgurl or mentioned her size. And
Dale actually seemed like a pretty smart guy. James wouldn’t have
been able to figure all that out, for sure. It was fairly
impressive. And Dale had said she was hot.
“So whatcha reading?”
“Um, just—a book. Presidential inaugural speeches,
actually.”
“I see. Sounds exciting.”
He didn’t seem like he was a scary guy. Pretty nice,
actually. Jany could feel some of her confidence slowing filtering
back into her.
“No, it doesn’t. Not to you.”
“How do you know?”
“Can you see yourself right now? The expression
on your face says it all. And anyway, people who don’t know how to
use apostrophes aren’t interested in things like presidential
speeches.”
“Are you calling me boring and dumb? I’m hurt.”
“Oh, whatever.” Jany tucked her book into her purse and
stood up to throw the soda she’d been drinking away. “You ready? I
seem to remember you saying something about shopping.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Dale grumbled, but he was grinning when he
stood up. Jany’s heart leapt at the sight. Maybe she’d found a
decent guy at last.
They went into a few stores without buying anything,
laughing and joking about various things they saw. Jany couldn’t
believe how easy it was to be with him. She couldn’t believe it was
already four thirty when Dale dragged her into a coffee shop so he
could show her his favorite drink, a huge blended coffee thing with
whipped cream and Oreo chunks on top.
“After this, we should head for the theater. The movie
I wanna see starts at five.”
“The movie you wanna see? Like, as in, I don’t have a
choice?”
“Nope. ‘Member, I said I’d shop with you and then we’d
go see a movie I wanted to see. I do something you wanna do and
then you do everything I wanna do ‘cause that’s your job. You gotta
learn to listen better, Woman.”
“Yeah, I guess I do, Man. I’d hate to upset you by not being an
agreeable, subservient woman.”
“I knew I liked you for a reason.”
They were on their way toward the theater when Jany saw a Lane
Bryant up ahead. A wickedly delicious idea began to take shape.
“Hey, we have a few minutes. Can we stop in Lane Bryant for a
minute?” At the same time that Dale was demanding and almost rude,
she sensed that he was desperate, too, and wanted to see how far she
could push things. She was starting to see that it could be fun not
caring what someone thought of you.
“Yeah, I s’pose. But you better hurry up, ya hear me?”
“Yes, Dad. I’ll hurry up.”
Just as she had suspected he would, he followed her in. She stood
by a rack of sweaters, fingering the soft material. Then she
glanced up at Dale coyly.
“I need to see if this sweater’ll fit. Will you hold this for me?”
She dangled her purse off one finger as she held it out to him. He
rolled his eyes, but he took it. She grinned and held the sweater
she had no intention of buying up to herself, then replaced it.
Then she slowly made her way to the lingerie section. He continued
to follow.
“What are you doing to me, Woman?”
“Trying to humiliate you, of course. Having fun?”
“Yup. I love looking at bras. Course, it’s better when they’re on
a chick, ya know?”
“Well, how do you think this one would look on me?” Jany held a
lacy red bra up to herself.
“Nice, but that one would look better.” He pointed to one that was
nearly transparent in its laciness.
“Yeah?” She held it up to her breasts, stroking herself as she
pretended to smooth it. “I like it, too. I never wear underwires,
though. Too poky.” She put it back on the rack and waltzed away.
“Woman, you’re killing me.”
“Am I? How’m I doing that?”
“You know very well how you’re doing that. Com’on. The movie starts
pretty soon.”
“Okay, okay. Just let me look at these.” She stopped by a bin of
panties that were on clearance. She reached in and pulled out what
she could only describe as a bundle of strings. When she shook it
out and held it up by the corners, it vaguely resembled underwear.
In shape, anyway. “Hey, should I get these?” she teased.
“Hell, yeah. You’d be hot as hell in those.”
“Hot as hell? I’d lose the stupid things. All they are is
strings. I’d put ‘em on and never see ‘em again. Have you seen
my ass?”
“Not yet, but I intend to. ‘Specially if it’s in those.”
Jany, who had never bought underwear that didn’t come three to a
pack in her life, boldly walked toward the cash register. Her
cheeks flushed when she realized that she was going to have to walk
up to the counter, place the panties on it, and wait for the
salesgirl, who probably assumed Dale was her boyfriend, to ring them
up. All the things the salesgirl would imagine them doing when Jany
was wearing bold, sexy, barely there underwear like that flashed
through Jany’s mind. She nearly panicked when she realized they
were the same things Dale might imagine them doing. Her bravado was
rapidly fading. Jany wasn’t used to being the one who set things in
motion. But it was too late. The salesgirl had seen her coming and
Dale was right behind her and there was no place to escape to.
She quickly paid for the panties and then raced out of the store.
Dale chased after her.
“Woman, where the hell are you going? Get back here! Woman! Jany!”
Jany stopped and waited for him to catch up to her, heart racing.
“Man, what’s the hurry? Take your damn purse, hey? Wow, you’re
fast.”
“Sorry. I just—well, I wanted a good seat for the movie.” She had
been about to tell him that her boldness was uncharacteristic and it
had started to scare her, but she didn’t trust him enough quite yet.
“We’ll get there. Slow down so I can keep up.”
When they got to the theater, Dale bought a giant tub of popcorn and
drinks while Jany picked their seats. They sat in silence until the
movie started. Jany was mostly silent because her heart was still
thudding and she was sure her voice would come out all shaky and
weak. She was grateful when the movie started and she had something
to distract her.
They had been watching the movie for half an hour or so when Dale
leaned over toward Jany. She was bored to tear with the movie by
then and half hoped he was going to suggest they leave, but no such
luck.
“You should give me a blow job,” he whispered.
Jany gasped loudly enough to draw the attention of several of the
people around them.
“You did NOT just say that,” she choked back to him under her
breath.
“Yeah I did.”
“You’re a pig.”
He watched the movie in silence for a few minutes while Jany sat and
fumed. Another guy expecting lewd things of her right from the
start. She couldn’t totally blame him, after the whole underwear
thing, but she wasn’t used to having the power to seduce a man. The
problem was that once she started things, she wasn’t sure how to
handle them. No matter what, though, he had no right to suggest
something so—well, crude, not to mention illegal.
“So ya gonna do it, or what?” he whispered.
“No! We’re in a theater!”
“I pegged you for the adventurous type.”
“Since when do you have to be a slut to be adventurous?”
“I didn’t say you had to be a slut. I just want you to su—”
“I KNOW what you want. And no! God!”
People were starting to shoot them dirty looks again, so Jany held
her finger up to her lips and turned to stare at the screen. Dale
didn’t take the hint.
“You want me to have to go home and tell my mom I spent the whole
afternoon with you and didn’t get anything in return?”
“Yeah. That’s exactly what I want you to do. I’m sure she’ll be
highly upset with me for not breaking the law to give in to your
every whim. She’d be so proud of your brilliant idea.”
“She would. She knows I don’t go on dates very often. She’d
be happy for me if you did.”
“You’re sick.”
They watched the rest of the movie in silence. Every so often, Dale
leaned over toward Jany, but she scowled at him whenever he did and
then he, in turn, refrained from saying anything.
When they were back out in the mall, squinting at the bright lights,
Dale led Jany to a table in the food court.
“So what’s up, Woman?”
“Uh, not much. I just went to the movies with a pervert and I have
a train to catch in a half hour so I can go home and sulk about it.”
“Oh, com’on. Get off your high horse, there, Missy. You drag me
into that damn store and make me hold your purse while I you ask me
to picture you in all these bras and thongs and shit and then you
get pissed off when I want a blow job? Sheesh.”
“No, you get off your high horse. We both know damn
well someone like me isn’t gonna turn a guy on, no matter what she
does.”
“If that was true, why would I have wanted a blow job? Ever think
of that?”
“SHHH! Someone’s gonna hear you. There’s little kids all over the
place. Keep it down to a dull roar. And everyone knows guys want
whatever they can get whenever they can get it. Has nothing to do
with me turning you on.”
“How the hell do you know? Are you me? Need me to prove it?” Dale
scooted his chair away from the table.
“No! No, it’s fine. I believe you, okay? But I don’t do that
kinda thing on a first date, ever, and especially in a theater!” He
didn’t have to know she was lying. And the theater part was true,
anyway.
“But you do take all your dates out to the mall so you can make them
watch you shop for bras?”
“No. No! That’s ridiculous. You’re the one who said you figured
I’d wanna shop.”
“And you’re the one who asked me to picture you practically naked.”
“I did not.”
“How do you think this one would look on me? Would this one look
better?” Dale spoke in a falsetto. “Do you normally wear your
bras over your clothes?”
“Oh, come on.”
“Answer me.”
“Obviously I don’t.”
“Well, then, you were asking me to picture you practically naked.
To a guy, that is the next best thing to an invitation to actually
see you naked. And then I make one little suggestion and you
freak all out.”
“I’m sorry if I did that. I felt a little safe with you and we were
having a good time and I got a little bold and decided to take
advantage of it. I’m not usually like that and I have no idea how
to handle myself once I do something like that. This is all new to
me, and I should have warned you. I’m sorry. But let me repeat:
We. Were. In. A. Theater. A public place. I denied you in your
own best interest. I didn’t want either one of us to get arrested.
And here I figured if we met in the mall, there wouldn’t be any
pressure.”
“Well, I had to try. I don’t get many dates, either, you know, but
instead of getting all whiny about it like girls do, I just keep
trying. And sometimes trying gets me yelled at and humiliated, but
so what? Sometimes it works.”
Jany took her book out of her purse and opened it.
“So what? Now you’re gonna sit here and ignore me and read?”
“No,” Jany said from behind her book. “Now I’m going to sit here
with my face behind my book so you can’t see me crying. Most guys
don’t confront me about all this shit, they just get mad and walk
away. Then I can cry at home by myself. But since you’re still
here, you get the pleasure of my company.”
“What the hell are you crying about? Woman, I don’t understand your
kind. I didn’t dump you or walk away or insult you, and even if I
did, so what? I’m just some fat guy who wanted to get to know you.
Big deal if I did.”
“It is a big deal to me. I don’t get a lot of dates. Well, I have
lately, because of the ad, but none are nice, normal dates where we
go out to dinner and maybe catch a movie and then I get a kiss at
the end of the night. They’re all with guys who practically rape
me, or want me to rape them or whatever, or guys that just don’t
have a clue about anything. So every single one is a big deal to
me.”
“You take things too seriously, then. Man, dating’s supposed to be
fun.”
Jany put her book down and stared at Dale.
“I take things too seriously? That’s what this is all about. I
decided not to take things seriously and then you got pissed off
because I won’t be a cheap whore.”
“Who cares if I got pissed off? That’s the point. Have fun
for you, not for me. Slap me, tell me to take a hike, and then get
over it.”
Neither of them said anything else until Jany finally stood up.
“Well, I have to go catch my train. I—I’m sorry everything got so
weird. I’ll think about what you said.”
“Want me to ride the train back with you?”
“Huh?”
“Well, I mean, I have the weekend train pass. It won’t cost me
anything. I can ride you home and then hop on another train and
head home myself. I don’t have anything better to do. We can talk
some more or whatever.”
“Okay, sure.”
As they walked to the train station, their conversation lapsed into
an easy rhythm, one they maintained even once they were on the
train. There were periods of silence, but not uncomfortable ones,
and neither of them felt the need to fill them. Jany leaned her
head against the cool window and smiled. It had been a rough day,
but she’d made it through, and maybe even managed to learn a few
things.
Dale interrupted her thoughts by bumping his elbow against hers.
She looked at him. He leaned over.
“Hey, wanna give me a blow—”
They both laughed
as Jany lightly smacked Dale’s cheek.
I would like to rave about Eddie Murphy's character from The Nutty
Professor, Professor 
Shallow Hal was a movie starring 
Now I must rant about Ben Stiller's fat suit. He was in a fat suit
at the end of the movie 
Now I would like to rave about Martin Short's alter ego,
Barbara Paula Danza Volumninosa Ballerina
