The Adventures of Phatgurl
by Emily Suzanne
Smiltneck
The
Adventures Of Phatgurl
is a serial collection of stories about the adventures of Jany, a
plus-sized young woman who, in desperation, places an ad on a
personals website. As she embarks on her dates, she meets many
different kinds of men who expect many different things from her.
Some of her adventures are wildly amusing and others are more
serious and even sad.
If you have any
ideas or experiences, funny or otherwise, that you would like to see
depicted in a future Phatgurl story, please e-mail me at
emilysuzanne20@hotmail.com.
I will do my very best to incorporate all reader ideas into future
columns. Thanks!
The
Ad
SW SSBBW seeks SM willing to ask her out.
Need not buy gifts, remember dates, put toilet seat down. Video
game fanatics and men who require guys’ nights out okay. Willing to
watch action movies and avoid “the talk.” Reply to:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Candidate 8: The Groper
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
69er2009@personalz.com
Subject: Hey, Gurl!
I seen ur ad. Sound
like u’d be a good girl to snuggle with. I need summa that. Been a
long time.
To:
69er2009@personalz.com
From:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Subject: Re: Hey, Gurl!
lol… ok. I made myself
a promise a long time ago that I wouldn’t respond to anyone who had
“69” in his username, unless it was very obviously not a reference
to the obvious, but I decided to give you a shot anyway. Against my
better judgment. So tell me more about yourself before I change my
mind.
I, myself, work in an
art gallery. I’m into all those creative, artsy kinds of things. I
don’t go out to much, like to bars and clubs and stuff, but I like
to when I get the chance. And you?
ttyl- Jany
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
69er2009@personalz.com
Subject: Re: Re: Hey,
Gurl!
Cool beans. I work at
a gas station on 91st. U should cum see me at work
sometime. We’ll have some fun in my car on my break. Do u dare?
To:
69er2009@personalz.com
From:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Subject: Hahahahaha.
Ha!
Let’s just say I’ve
been there, done that, and I found out that I’m not really into the
whole random, meaningless hookup thing. At the very least, I’m
looking for FWB. Emphasis on the F.
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
69er2009@personalz.com
Subject: Re:
Hahahahaha. Ha!
I don’t know what that
means, other than that u turned me down. What’s FWB? Cum on. Try
me. I sent a pic. Can I have 1 of u?
To:
69er2009@personalz.com
From:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Subject: Re: Re:
Hahahahaha. Ha!
Wow- we went to school
together, I think! You were like a year behind me or something.
You’re Steve, right? We never really talked or anything—no one
really talked to me—but I remember you.
BTW, FWB=friends with
benefits. I was just letting you know I’m looking for some kind of
a relationship, even if it’s just friendship. Girls who look like
me don’t get naked with people who aren’t at least friends. Can you
handle that? Oh, and I shot a pic back atcha. Remember me?
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
69er2009@personalz.com
Subject: Holy shit!
Yeah, I remember u.
Wow. I always had a crush on u when I was a kid. I was just scared
to talk to u. U should cum see me at work. Really. I work Wed-Sun
nights from midnite-6.
To:
69er2009@personalz.com
From:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Subject: Re: Holy shit!
Really? You had a
crush on me?
And are you nuts, by
the way? I work in the mornings! I guess I could come on a Friday
or Saturday, but I’m really not sure it’s safe to be toodling around
on buses all night. Oh, well. Gotta take some risks in life,
right? Maybe I’ll see ya Saturday night. But this is a just
friends thing for now, ‘kay?
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
69er2009@personalz.com
Subject: Re: Re: Holy
shit!
Cool. See u then. U
should wear a skirt. With no underwear.
The message
made Jany angry, but her anger was tempered by a flush of giddy
excitement. She remembered Steve as shy, quiet, not one of the cool
kids. She was pretty sure he’d been a stutterer, and the other kids
had made fun of him for it. And he wasn’t an overly attractive guy,
to be honest.
But Jany
couldn’t help wondering how her life might have been different if
she’d known he’d had a crush on her. She’d never had a boyfriend,
never known any boys who would even talk to her. Not back in
school. She’d grown up assuming that no one had even been attracted
to her, and that no one ever would be. She didn’t believe that
anymore, of course. At least, she hadn’t thought she did, but
Steve’s admission had shaken her to her very core. As much as she
wanted to be angry and indignant at his offer—have some fun in his
car? Not the kind of “date” Jany was looking for!—she was
actually flattered.
She changed
her mind a thousand times on Saturday. She awoke in the morning to
find herself alone in bed, lonely, and thought she might as well go
see him. Then she settled herself at the kitchen table and painted
a picture of her view into the apartment next door—an
extraordinarily beautiful and detailed picture that made her feel
strong and confident. She decided not to go because, in that
moment, she felt like she would have no trouble at all finding
another man, one who would like her and not just lust for her. Then
Jany decided it couldn’t hurt to go, just to talk to an old friend.
Never mind that they’d never been friends. And then she thought
that it might be better not to go. Back and forth, back and forth,
all day long.
Finally, at
10:30 Saturday night, she crawled out of bed. She’d tried to sleep
early, just in case, but it wouldn’t happen. Her heart was racing
and every little sound made her head snap up instantly. And she
figured that if she wasn’t sleeping, there wasn’t anything keeping
her from going to see Steve.
Jany got in
the shower and stood under scalding hot water until she couldn’t
stand it anymore, just to shock herself into reality in case it made
a difference. Then she got out and rubbed lotion into her pink skin
before she pulled on a skirt and sweater. And the ugliest, most old
lady-like underwear she had, just to be contrary. Not that she
intended to let Steve see them.
She got on
the bus around midnight. The only other person on it was an elderly
man who looked like he might be on the bus just because it was
warmer than the park bench he lived on. He didn’t seem to be
dangerous, though, and the bus driver seemed like a nice enough
guy. He’d probably save her if she needed him to. She settled into
the seat and waited for the stop Steve had told her to watch for.
She could
see the gas station when she stepped off the bus into a dark and
scary neighborhood. She wanted to dilly-dally along the way and put
off walking into the gas station as long as possible, but she was
afraid if she didn’t walk quickly and with purpose, she’d be
murdered or raped before she got there. She felt safer when she
approached the building, which was well-lit inside and out. She
paused to peer through a window that was mostly blocked by liquor
bottles and grime. What little she could see was the area behind
the counter. There he was. In person. Sitting behind the counter
in the empty store, playing solitaire with a deck of cards featuring
a different bikini-clad girl on the back of each one.
Jany braced
herself, then approached the door. A big stupid grin plastered
itself on her face and she pushed the door open and slowly walked
in. Steve lifted his head as a bell rang, warning him of her
arrival.
“Hey,
there, Sexy.”
“Um—hi.”
Jany giggled, then grimaced. “I—how ya doing? Good seeing you
again.”
“Yeah.
Wasn’t really expecting to see ya.”
“I almost
didn’t come. But here I am.”
“Here you
are.”
“Here I
am.”
“Here—”
“Okay,
really,” Jany interrupted. “We’ve established that I’m here and now
we’re just saying nothing. Let’s take a new tack. What’s up?”
Steve
laughed and slid the deck of cards back into their box. Jany
noticed that he was careful not to let her see the bikini pictures.
“Not much.
Just workin’. ‘Bout all I ever do. What’s up with you?”
“Same.
Been doing this whole personals thing for a few months now, but
otherwise, just been work.”
“How’s it
going for ya? The personals thing.”
“Okay, I
guess. Haven’t met the love of my life or anything, but it’s been a
learning experience.”
“I bet.
I’d like to teach ya some things.”
Jany
giggled again. An awkward pause followed before Steve spoke again.
“Sound good
to you?”
“Um—maybe?
I mean, it depends what you mean. God, this feels like a weird
conversation. To me, anyway. Does it to you, too?”
“Nope. I’m
on break in a half hour. John’ll be up to watch the counter. You
can come out to my car while I eat.”
Smooth
transition. She had to give him credit for so expertly avoiding the
issue of just what he wanted to teach her.
“You eat in
your car? That’s kind of weird.”
“Tonight I
do.” He grinned. “So whatcha been up to since school?”
“Not much,
really. I went to school to study art history for a while and now I
work in a gallery. I take a class every now and then. Might get a
degree eventually. That’s about it.”
“Cool. I
had enough of school by the time graduation came around. I work
here and with my dad, fixin’ cars. You got any kids?”
“What, me?
No. Oh, God, no. I mean, not that I don’t want any. I’ve never
even really dated anyone, though. All you have to do is look at me
to know I don’t have any kids. I mean—” Jany stopped talking.
Nothing like making yourself look like a complete idiot and loser.
“I—I didn’t really mean that. I was—kidding.” She faked a giggle
that, at best, was the laughter equivalent of a dog running away
with its tail tucked between its legs.
“Aw, com’
on. It ain’t that bad. I’d make babies with ya.”
“Mm hmm.
Sure. But anyway, no, I don’t have any kids. Do you?”
“Yeah, I
got a couple. Don’t get to see ‘em, though. Just when I see ‘em
around or whatever.”
“Ah. I
see. Their mother—you’re not—with her, then?”
“Nah. I
don’t see either one of ‘em anymore. We were never really together,
just kinda hung out and shit.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
They made
small talk for another fifteen minutes or so, pausing once when
someone came in to buy cigarettes. Then another guy wandered in
from the back.
“Hey,
Steve-o. You can take off now if ya want. I’m here.”
“Awright,
John. She’s all yours. Slow night.” Steve stood up and slipped
out from behind the counter.
“Com’ on,
Jany. Let’s go. I’ll show ya everything you been missing out on.”
Jany stared
at the floor. John had to have heard what Steve had said,
and there weren’t too many ways to interpret his words. She hurried
out the door after Steve. The darkness and cool air were a relief.
He unlocked
his car ducked inside. Jany opened the passenger side door and
started sliding in.
“Hold on,
there, Babe. I was just grabbin’ somethin’. Let’s get in the
back. More comfortable.”
Jany stood
up. She considered just walking away. It couldn’t hurt to just sit
there, though, could it? He had to eat lunch, after all. She could
always get out if things got weird. Hesitantly, she closed the
front door and opened the back one. Steve got in on the other side.
“So—ya came
to see me.”
“Yep.”
Steve just
looked at Jany for a second, then suddenly wrapped his arms around
the back of her neck, pulled her close, and kissed her almost
violently. A swell of excitement rushed through Jany’s body, but
she forced herself to pull away.
“Uh, hey.
I thought—I thought you had to eat.”
“I do. I
wasn’t talking about food, though.” His grin was half seductive and
half just plain frightening.
“Oh?” Jany
said. Then, “Oh!” It took a second for her to grasp what he
was saying, but when she did, she sat upright. It was too late,
though. Steve’s hand was already dancing its way down her back and
sliding under the waistband of her skirt. She tried to clear her
mind and make him stop, but her brain had suddenly turned to mush.
Finally, she pushed him back and slid to the other side of the
backseat.
“Hold on.
Can you hold on? I’m—just give me a minute to think, okay?
Please?”
“Take your
time, Baby.” He winked at her.
Jany
smoothed her skirt and looked out the window. The first clear
thought that came to her was that he had probably already discovered
one of the holes in her ratty underwear, which was just a little
humiliating. The second thought was that, as much as she wanted to
care, she didn’t. She didn’t care about her underwear and she
didn’t care that he was practically forcing himself on her.
Because, she had to admit, she kind of wanted him to.
The reason
that she was resisting was that she felt like she was supposed to.
A good girl wouldn’t mess around with a near stranger in the
backseat of a car. A good girl wouldn’t let a guy use her for
meaningless sex. But what if she really wasn’t a good girl? What
if she’d always just been a good girl because there hadn’t been any
other choice? What if he wasn’t using her—what if she was using
him? Slowly, she scooted back toward Steve.
“Okay. I’m
good now.” She leaned over, took his face in her hands, and this
time it was she who kissed him. Jany totally lost herself in his
manly scent and the way his hands felt on her skin as they slipped
under her skirt and found their way to places that hadn’t been
touched in months. And then suddenly, something was thumping loudly
on the outside of the car.
“Shit!”
Steve muttered as he untangled his hands from her skirt, wiped them
quickly on his pants, and jumped out of the car. Jany’s heart
thudded as she lay across the seat and peered out the window. Were
they being robbed, car-jacked? Her hand immediately went to her
pocket and she pulled out her cell phone.
“What’s
going on here?” a female voice shrieked. “I hate you, mother f—”
“Settle
down, Sandy. It’s not what you think.”
“Then what
the hell is it!?!”
Jany got
out of the car. The woman standing face-to-face with Steve was
rather large, just a little mean-looking, and definitely angry.
“Yeah,”
Jany said softly. “What’s going on?”
Steve
looked about as uncomfortable as a person could look.
“Um—hey,
Jany? This is—well, this is Sandy.”
“Yeah, I’m
Sandy, Bitch. What you doin’ with my man?”
“Your—he’s—I—I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Jany started backing away.
The woman came around the car toward her.
“I said,
what you doing with my man?”
“Nothing,
Absolutely nothing. I didn’t know, I swear. He said he was
single. Look, I don’t want anything to do with him. You can have
him. I don’t care. I’ll never talk to him again.” Jany was
walking backwards and crying as she sputtered out words. She wasn’t
really even thinking about what she was saying, was too frightened
and shocked to think at all. She just didn’t want the other woman
to have a chance to talk, so she didn’t allow her to have one.
Steve was following them, calling out every once in a while for
Sandy to relax. Jany’s heart was beating so fast and hard she could
feel it in her toes. She didn’t have enough breath to keep going
much longer. Luckily, the other woman was a little short of breath,
too, and she was slowing down.
“I’m
sorry,” Jany said. “Really, really sorry. I would have left him
alone if I’d known!” She turned around and ran toward the bus
stop. Luckily, the bus pulled up just as she reached the corner.
She could hear the other woman yelling at Steve in the distance, and
the faint murmur of Steve’s apologetic voice. She glanced toward
them one more time as she stepped onto the bus. She had finally
decided to just relax and have fun, not to worry about being a good
girl, and look what had happened. Another disaster.
Except, for
some reason, she didn’t feel too horrible about this disaster. In
fact, she found herself giggling as she settled into a seat near the
back of the bus, because she suddenly realized that her ratty
underwear were still on the floor of Steve’s car.
