The Adventures of Phatgurl
by Emily Suzanne
Smiltneck
The
Adventures Of Phatgurl
is a serial collection of stories about the adventures of Jany, a
plus-sized young woman who, in desperation, places an ad on a
personals website. As she embarks on her dates, she meets many
different kinds of men who expect many different things from her.
Some of her adventures are wildly amusing and others are more
serious and even sad.
If you have any
ideas or experiences, funny or otherwise, that you would like to see
depicted in a future Phatgurl story, please e-mail me at
emilysuzanne20@hotmail.com.
I will do my very best to incorporate all reader ideas into future
columns. Thanks!
The Ad (Part 2)
SWSSBBW
seeks SM who will not rape her, emotionally or otherwise.
The ability to both speak and write in complete sentences is
a plus. Must not inadvertently throw her down stairs or
pretend that she is “Mama.” Intelligent conversation, a
little respect, and the lack of a current significant other
will get you far. And a well-developed sense of humor won’t
hurt, either. If you like smart chicks with jelly bellies
and thunder thighs, reply to
phatgurl@personalz.com
Candidate 2.3: The Shy-Guy
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
mynameistom@personalz.com
Subject: Hello,
There
Seems like you
might be a good girl to get to know. How are you? I am
okay. I just wanted to write you and say hi. If you anser
me, I might not get back to you rite away because I only go
online at work and I have some days off, of course. I like
to go to movies and play video games and snuggle. You seem
very smart. I like that. Oops. I could of just gotten in
trouble. My boss walked by. I will talk to you later. I
hope to hear from you soon. Bye. Tom
To:
mynameistom@personalz.com
From:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Subject: Re:
Hello, There
I’m doing okay,
too. I’m glad my ad caught your eye- hope it didn’t get you
in trouble with your boss! Whenever you get back to me is
fine. I understand if you don’t get online every day. I,
personally, am sort of addicted to the Internet. I pretty
much get home from work every night and spend the rest of
the night either painting or playing around online… lol.
I’m not much for video games, but I do like to go to movies
and snuggle. I even like to do both at once sometimes!
Anyway, it was nice to hear from you and if you want to get
to know each other better, just let me know. You seem like
a nice guy. I added a pic to this e-mail so you can see
what I look like.
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
mynameistom@personalz.com
Subject: Re:
Re: Hello, There
I told you it
might be a few days. Sorry! My boss was around all night
last night and I couldn’t get on. We should go to a movie
sometime. You look like you’d be very nice to snuggle with.
To:
mynameistom@personalz.com
From:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Subject: This
Weekend?
If you want to
get together, we could go see a movie Friday or Saturday.
I’m free all day both days. Maybe we can even snuggle a
little. I was thinking of seeing something funny, but I
like all kinds of movies, so whatever you want to see is
fine with me. If you’re available, that is. Looking
forward to hearing from you.
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
mynameistom@personalz.com
Subject: Tom
Hi. This ain’t
Tom. It Tom’s girl frend acshuly. Well his frend whos a
woman and whos been pretty damm intimit with him. Us girls
gotta stick together. We been played. I just wanted 2 let
u know. God told me 2 look at his computer (Toms computer
not gods computer) wile he was in the shitter and I found
this up on the screen. Not cool. Please understand and
leave my man alone even tho I know it is his falt and not
urs that he talked 2 u. By. Sarah.
To:
mynameistom@personalz.com
From:
phatgurl@personalz.com
Subject: Re:
Tom
Um, Tom? Care
to explain? I got this message from your e-mail address:
“This ain’t Tom. It Tom’s girl frend acshuly. Well his
frend whos a woman and whos been pretty damm intimit with
him.” There was more, too, but that’s the important stuff.
What gives? I’m not into two-timers. I’ll give you a
chance to defend yourself, but be aware that you’re on some
thin ice. I finally let my guard down a little and ended up
having a really crappy experience, so I don’t intend to let
it happen again.
To:
phatgurl@personalz.com
From:
mynameistom@personalz.com
Subject: Re:
Re: Tom
I am
really really sorry. Sarah has been a friend of mine
for a very long time. We have dated a little bit but I
didn’t think we were actually together, but she did I
guess. I need some time to try and figure out things.
I don’t know what to do. I didn’t mean to lie to you.
In the meantime, I have a friend who is very very shy
and he doesn’t have e-mail but I showed him your picture
and he liked it so he wants to meet you. He thinks he
might be brave enough to meet you because I told him
about you and he thinks you sound nice. He hasn’t been
out with a girl or kissed anyone or anything since he
was in the 7th grade. He is thirty-one now.
His name is Lee and he won’t hurt you. Tell me what
time on Saturday if you want to and what theater to meet
you at and he will be there he said.
Jany felt sort of guilty on the way to the movie theater.
The only real reason she was even meeting Lee was that she
wanted to get back at Tom. She’d teach Tom to try to cheat
on someone—she’d go out with his friend instead of him!
Except, since it had been his idea, she didn’t suppose it
would teach him much at all.
She
wasn’t sure it was a good idea for her to date someone as
shy as this guy sounded, to be in a position of power in a
relationship. And what if he didn’t like her? When it had
taken Jany so long to find any guys at all who were into big
girls, it was pretty hard to believe there were two of them
who were friends. It seemed possible that fat admirers
traveled in packs, but not probable.
In
any case, it was a little late now. She was almost there,
and supposedly, he would be there waiting for her, a blonde
guy in a red t-shirt, and he’d be standing against the wall
to the left of the door. All of this according to Tom, the
man who’d tried to make her the other woman.
Jany hurried along the sidewalk, nervous energy propelling
her forward. And then she was outside of the theater and
there he was. Dirty blonde hair, a bright red t-shirt,
blindingly white shoes. He would have been tall if his
shoulders weren’t so slumped.
“Hi! Are you Lee?” Jany called softly, when she was maybe
fifteen feet away from the door.
No
answer.
“Um, excuse me.” It had to be him. Matched the description
perfectly. “Lee?”
The
man’s head lifted. Not enough that she could see his face,
but enough to indicate that he probably was, indeed, Lee.
“I’m Jany. How are you?”
Still no answer. He moved toward her, but he didn’t lift
his head. Jany was afraid he might run into her.
“I—how—hey. It’s a nice day.” Questions didn’t seem to be
a good idea at this point. They required answers. “I
wanted to see that movie that came out last week, about the
guys that go to that camp. The funny one.”
Still no answer. But when Jany cautiously moved toward the
door to the theater, watching Lee over one shoulder, he
followed. Once again, Jany was forced to take his lack of a
response as agreement.
Now
to figure out the paying situation. They hadn’t discussed
it when they were e-mailing back and forth through Tom, and
Jany suddenly wished they had. She was fairly certain that
it was one conversation they wouldn’t get through as long as
Lee remained nonverbal. She didn’t have a problem paying
for herself, but the thing she was worried about was whether
Lee would be able to purchase his own ticket. His shyness
seemed to be crippling.
There wasn’t much Jany could do besides step up to the
window and ask for a ticket. She handed money in through
the little hole in the window, got her ticket, and stepped
aside.
“Hi,” Lee said easily to the woman behind the window. “I’ll
take one for the same movie she just got one for.”
Okay, so maybe he wasn’t so shy. Maybe he didn’t like
Jany. Or maybe he did like her and was only shy with her
because he did. Jany’s head was swimming as they made their
way slowly toward the theater, together and yet somehow
worlds apart.
Once they were inside, Jany looked over the sea of empty
chairs. “Um, Lee? Where do you want to sit? I’ll follow
you.” She smiled, proud that she had found a way to get
around their communication barrier. And it seemed to work.
He led her to a couple of seats pretty much dead center in
the theater. Jany wished he had settled just a little
closer to the aisle—small aisles weren’t the easiest thing
for a rather large woman to navigate—but she decided to
compliment him on his choice just the same. Might help him
open up a little.
“Yeah,” he mumbled. Without looking at her, of course. It
wasn’t the most encouraging answer he could have
given, but he had spoken!
The
silence before the screen came to life was excruciating, so
Jany tried to keep up light chatter. It was easier once the
previews before the movie came on. “I’d like to see that,”
she said once, and later, “Oooh, that one looks scary.” But
Lee didn’t open up again.
The
movie was good, for the most part. Every so often as they
watched, Jany would accidentally-on-purpose stretch out her
legs and bump into Lee with her knee. It was interesting to
note his reactions. The first time, she thought he might
jump up from his seat and run. Each time, he handled it a
little more calmly than the last, though, and by the time
the credits rolled, he was only tensing a little bit at her
touch.
“Heywannagetfoodorsomething?”
Jany looked cautiously toward Lee. “Did you just say
something?” He had spoken so quietly that she couldn’t be
sure he had done anything more than breathe, and so quickly
that she didn’t have time to hear him. He nodded.
“What did—did you ask if I wanted to go eat?”
Another nod.
“Okay, well—where did you want to go?”
Lee
stood slowly and shuffled out of the theater the same way he
had shuffled in. Jany followed him out to the street. A
bus was waiting at the stop in front of the theater, and he
walked up the stairs. Jany did, too.
“Two,” he told the driver as he ran a transit card through
the reader twice. “Nice out tonight, isn’t it?”
The
driver nodded his agreement rather than speaking, and Jany
wanted to ask Lee how it felt. She didn’t, though. He
probably wouldn’t answer. Jany wasn’t sure whether to feel
confident and in control because she was with someone more
socially backwards than she was, or insecure because Lee was
acting as if he liked everyone else more than he liked her.
If he had asked her out himself, it would have been an
easier situation, but he hadn’t. Was it all just a favor to
Tom? Had Tom told her Lee was shy just so she wouldn’t feel
bad if he didn’t speak to her? She tried to shake off her
paranoia and enjoy the bus ride. They were in a section of
town she’d never been in before.
Lee
pulled the stop wire and stood up silently and they got off
the bus in front of a red stone building with a neon coffee
cup in the window. Inside, Lee suddenly seemed like a whole
new man. He stood straighter, breathed easier, instantly
relaxed.
“Hey, Jimmer. I’ll take my usual. And get her whatever she
wants.” He tilted his head toward Jany for just a second,
without looking at her. Jany ordered a mocha and stared at
Lee in wonder as he carried on an easy conversation with the
man behind the counter. Their drinks were half gone by the
time Lee stepped away from the counter and sat at a table in
the corner of the room. Silently, they sat down. And
suddenly Jany couldn’t take it anymore—she couldn’t take the
silent treatment, the wondering whether it was because of
her or because of him.
“Lee? I know you haven’t really spoken to me at all yet,
but I need to ask you something. Try really hard to answer
me. Do you like me? At all, even a little?” She waited
nervously to see if he would answer, and even more nervously
to see what his answer would be. He looked down into his
coffee cup. He nodded his head slightly.
“Really, or are you just saying that? Because you have
spoken to, like, everyone else we’ve seen tonight, and
you’ve hardly said a word to me. It feels sort of like
you’re embarrassed to be with me or something, like you’re
ignoring me. And if that’s the way you feel, I’d rather
just leave.” Not the sort of thing she’d usually have the
guts to say, but if he wasn’t talking to her, it wasn’t like
he could yell at her or say anything hurtful.
“No!” His voice was still quiet, but this time it was
clear. “I do like you. I’m just not brave enough to talk.
You—you’re pretty. I don’t talk to girls much.”
“You think I’m pretty?” Jany asked. Now it was her turn to
speak softly.
“Yeah.” Lee’s face went red.
“Well—you don’t have to be afraid. I like you so far, even
though I haven’t gotten to know you very well. But I’m not
a mean person or anything, and I’m used to dealing with all
sorts of people. I can handle you being shy; I am, too.
But it would be nice if you could talk to me a little bit,
you know.”
“I
know. I’ll try. How about—” Lee paused, blushed again,
and looked toward the man at the counter. Jany looked up in
time to see the guy flash Lee a thumbs up, which caused her
to blush as well.
“How about what?”
“Wanna—do you—would ya like to come watch a movie or
something at my apartment? It takes so long to get used to
someone—I don’t want you to go yet.”
“Um, yeah. I can do that.” How dangerous could it be? The
guy could barely talk to her. A short (silent) bus ride
later, they were walking into an apartment complex.
Lee
didn’t say a word. He simply unlocked the door, walked
inside, and sat on the couch. Jany sat next to him and
waited to see what was next. Absolutely nothing, it looked
like. Lee stared at the empty TV screen in front of him.
Jany stared at the side of Lee’s face. A cat wound around
their ankles. A clock somewhere ticked and tocked.
“Um, Lee?” Jany whispered. “Do you want to watch a movie or
something, like you said?” The silence was going to drive
her up a wall. It gave her too much time to be insecure.
Lee
didn’t answer. Apparently, the two or three sentences he
had said in the coffee house had used up his word allowance
for the day. He did turn on the TV though, to the news. It
was better than nothing, anyway. They watched in what he
probably thought was companionable silence. Jany wondered
why, when all she wanted was to sit and watch TV with a guy,
feel connected, be able to pretend that they were actually
in a relationship, she wasn’t overjoyed to be sitting in
Lee’s couch. It was the connection thing. There was no
connection between them. And so Jany decided that it was
time to create one.
Bravely, she moved over so that her legs were almost
touching Lee’s. He glanced warily at her, but he didn’t
move. Jany took it as consent and snuggled close to him.
When the news show was over and some reruns came on, she
slowly reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. For some
reason, the back of a man’s neck was her favorite part of
his body. Maybe just because it seemed so intimate to touch
a place that was so often overlooked. Then she turned,
boosted herself up on one knee. She slowly placed her lips
on his and kissed him, softly and innocently. Then she sat
back down and took his hand in hers.
Once again, they silently stared at the TV. Jany wasn’t so
calm, inside, though. Her heart was thudding, her pulse
racing. She couldn’t believe that she had dared to make a
first move, especially with someone who didn’t seem all that
enthusiastic about her. But he had said she was pretty.
That had to mean something. And if he was never going to
start talking to her, their relationship wouldn’t amount to
much anyway, so why not?
Jany kissed Lee again, more passionately this time. To her
surprise, he responded. He couldn’t talk, but he was
apparently less shy when it came to body language. Soon,
they were kissing and lightly rubbing each other’s arms,
backs, shoulders. Jany felt a surge of power that turned
her on, more than she’d ever been turned on before. She
tried not to wonder whether the feeling came from an
attraction to him or merely from feeling powerful. Jany had
tried to seduce a man and it had worked! She finally
gathered up all her courage.
“Lee? Would you like to go in the bedroom?” She sat back;
chances were he wasn’t going to answer her, so it was best
to leave him space to get up if he chose to. And he did.
Jany followed him into the bedroom and waited quietly to see
what he would do. He sat on the edge of the bed. She
slowly walked toward him, sat on the bed behind him, and
began to rub his shoulders. After a few minutes, she
carefully tugged on his shirt and he moved his arms so that
she could pull it off. Her breath caught, her body
shuddered in anticipation. She pushed him gently down onto
the bed, removed her own shirt, and lay next to him. They
made out some more.
When Lee’s muscles had relaxed and Jany had caught her
breath, she slid a few fingers into the waistband of his
pants and ran them back and forth, trying to judge his
reaction. There wasn’t one, so she took things to the next
level. Slowly, she unbuttoned his pants. Her heart seemed
frozen and it felt as if it had been years since she’d drawn
a breath. Her knees were weak with fear. Was she doing the
right things, doing them the right way? She was much more
comfortable being the follower than the leader.
Lee
stood up and let his pants fall, so that he was standing in
front of her, completely naked. He looked at her
expectantly. Jany squeezed her eyes shut, forced air into
her lungs, and stood up to remove her own clothes. The two
of them lay side by side on the bed, not touching, just
getting used to being there, together. And then Jany gently
brushed her fingers over Lee’s most private part, and found
that he was as turned on as she was, and she pulled him so
that he was leaning on her. But there was something else
she had to do, something she’d never done that scared her to
death.
“Lee?” she whispered. “Are we going to do this? Really?”
He
barely nodded.
“Okay. Hold on a second.” She wondered briefly if she
should cover her naked body so the sight of her belly and
thighs wouldn’t ruin anything, then decided against it. She
got up and went in search of her purse, then came back a
minute later with a condom in her hand. She opened it and
handed it to Lee. She was not brave enough to try to put it
on herself, nor was she brave enough to ask him to, but he
understood. And then he rolled onto her once again and they
both forgot themselves as he entered her.
It
wasn’t the most exciting experience Jany’d had, and it
wasn’t the longest. She wished there had been a little more
lead up. But when they were laying side by side again,
breathing deeply, Jany was happy. She’d managed to take
control of a situation that made her totally uncomfortable.
It was a good feeling. Slowly, she drifted to sleep.
“Jany. Hey, Jany, wake up!”
Jany lifted her head, confused. It took her a minute to
remember where she was. And who she was with, because Lee
seemed to be a whole new person.
“I
need to ask you something!”
“Yeah, okay. Go ahead.” Jany wrapped the sheet around her
and sat up.
“I
want you to know something. I love you. I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.”
Jany froze, eyes wide, her mouth a giant O in the center of
her face. He had gone from not being able to talk to
this?
“Um.” She giggled. “I—wow. That was unexpected.”
“Do
you want to have children? I do. I want three kids. A boy
and two girls. You can move in here with me. I can get my
brother’s truck and we can do it today. Okay? I’ve never
felt this way about anyone before. Ever. I love you, Jany.
I really, really love you.”
The
quiet, shy man was gone. In his place was a raving maniac
who wanted to marry Jany based on one night of—well, not
passion, exactly. Sex. One night of sex. Jany’s first
instinct was to get up and just run. It was really creeping
her out. But she couldn’t do that for a few different
reasons. First, she was naked. But besides that, how could
she hurt this poor man? When he’d been afraid to talk to
her, it had been difficult to get a picture of who he was.
Now he seemed lonely, desperate, and more than a little
simple-minded. While Jany was lost in thought, he was
babbling away about how happy they would be together and how
lovely their children would be and how soon they could start
sleeping in the same bed together every night. Neither of
them would need to see any of their friends ever again
because they had each other. Jany was actually afraid. And
every instinct she had told her just to run.
But
she knew that wasn’t fair. It was time to grow up and learn
how to handle confrontation. She stood up and started
dressing as she talked.
“Um, hey, I like you a lot, but I really don’t think we’re
ready to even think about something like that. We need to
slow down. I need to get back home anyway. You can get my
number or whatever through Tom. I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t go! I want you to stay by me. I love you. I’ve
never been with a woman before, not like that. And we have
to stay together now!” Lee’s voice was a whiny monotone.
“I’m really sorry. Give me a call sometime.” Jany walked
quickly into the living room and scooped up her purse, then
headed for the door. “Bye,” she called as Lee walked out of
the bedroom.
“I
love you, Jany. I love you. I want you to have my
children. I did something naughty with you and we need to
be together now.” He was crying.
“I—I’m sorry. I really need to go.”
Jany slammed the door behind her and ran toward the bus
stop. She wasn’t sure if it was fear or guilt chasing
her—fear that he’d follow her and force her to stay, guilt
that she’d started something she couldn’t finish, at least
in his mind—but there was something propelling her forward.
works best
when grating soft cheeses like mozzarella.)
