Shutting the Doors to
LargeInCharge Magazine!

 

Last Issue of LargeInCharge Magazine - 10 years what a Ride!

By: Raqui

Check Out my Personal Goodbye to L.I.C Magazine in Raqui-ism

 

It has been 10 Years. I wasnít sure what was going to happen when I put together LargeInCharge. I never thought it would grow this big, but yes LargeInCharge did.  There was so much more I had in my mind, and in store for LargeInCharge.  Still I am only one person, who was trying something I never thought of doing before.  Maybe on a whim, on a thought, that there needed to be someplace for people to voice their thoughts and feelings, a safe place from the hurt, and pain real life, and online life, had caused,  a place to tell people what was happening in the online Plus Sized Community, that was more and more becoming part of real life.

 

I never knew about the Online Plus Sized Community. I happened upon it after the death of my husband.  I never looked anywhere for support during my life but inside of myself.  What I could have done, or become, if I had someone, to lend an ear, nice thought, a word of encouragement, that told me I was capable, to let me know that I could be, could do, whatever I wanted to do, and be whatever I wanted to become, to not let anotherís judgment of me stop me from joy, happiness and success, that there were others, who lived it and understood the mental hardships. 

 

I learned those things on my own, and it was not only a hard lesson, it was a lonely one.  I never knew a person like myself. I didnít have any friends (never the less fat friends), associates or family who understood.  It is a lesson I am still working toward and fine tuning every day.  It didnít stop the hurt or frustration that daily life took me through.  I learned that I had to get things done no matter what.   I think being a caregiver most of my life made me put myself last, and others first so my responsibilities had to be taken care of because it was all for others.  It seemed as though, I was taught I couldnít or wouldnít, be anything. That I was a nothing, and useless, that my only use was to help others, because I wouldnít be anything, or anyone of worth. Maybe I gave in, or saw a greater need than myself, so I gave myself to the task of making sure others wouldnít end up like me.   I couldnít hide at home... though sometimes (many times) I agonized about the harassment I would go through that day, the abuse I would have to ignore and suffer through while shopping or running errands that had to be done.  I had no choice but to suck it up, because others needs were more important than my own needs and feelings. The New York get it done attitude was a living mantra for me.

 

When doctors wouldnít take care of me or treat me, it didnít matter as long as those I took care of were treated properly.  If I didnít have clothes it didnít matter as long as those around me had something to wear.  When I was treated unfairly, made fun of, abused (physically, mentally), harassed, demeaned, when prejudices reared there ugly heads and I was spoken to as if I was not human.  I focused on a train of thought "It doesnít matter how they treat me as long as they take care of those who I loved and cared for."  Itís all about the "Greater Good" and that greater good was not me.

 

The truth is it did matter, and no matter how far I pushed it down, or how much I choose not to think about it.  It affected me, my reaction to that was to push those around me to become more, to do more, to never limit themselves because I was limited by something that I could not escape... the way I looked.  I was hated for it, I was treated unfairly because of it, I was judged by the pound for something that had nothing to do with my core self, nothing to do with my values, nothing to do with my personality.  I didnít hate the way I looked; in fact I liked myself very much, and always have thought I was a decent person, who was attractive, and desirable. I never disliked myself or my fat, but I knew I was disliked because no one would look at me and see me, they saw size and fat and immediately I was worthless, Lesser than in their eyes. Unless of course I was giving them something they needed that they couldnít get elsewhere. 

 

People didnít want to be around me, they were ashamed of me and while some never said it to my face, I knew, I could see it in their eyes, I knew what they said about me behind my back, it all came back around to me in some form or fashion.  I could pour out my heart to them, sacrifice my life, give of myself until I had nothing left, and still I wasnít considered valuable the way I was.  I was never enough though by my size you could say I was overly abundant.  I tried to be the best friend, family member, person I could be.  I tried and succeeded, I know I was the best I could be for everyone else, even though limitations were put upon me. I was trained to think about myself and my needs last and ignore them if necessary, and it was necessary all the time.  I learned to believe that it didnít matter and self-sacrifice was the only way for the greater good.  I just never had the chance to achieve who I wanted to become, to even think about it or figure it out.  I was put in the role of a caregiver at a very young age and it came naturally to me.  That extended to the Plus Sized Community, I knew the way I was affected by our social structure was wrong.  I knew that no one should suffer what I have suffered and I knew people from all walks of life felt the affect. I saw a need and I tried to fill it the best I could. 

 

When I started LargeInCharge it was because I knew plus sized people needed something, someplace to feel acceptance, a place beyond the judgments, to have a little entertainment, to find out about resources, and to hopefully break beyond the limits that others imposed upon them.  The limits I knew too well and lived with all of my life.  I didnít show it but I felt it inside, you have to put on a smile, a happy face, and pretend that none of it matters.  I didnít want another person to live a life without knowing they could break out and beyond those limitations and create the life they wanted to live and deserved to have, to feel fulfilled and supported, even if only by an online entity.

 

I wanted those who created resources and went after their dreams to have some acknowledgement, to know their hard work was not in vain, to know someone is watching.  For conversations about the hard topics to be had, for writers to be able to write about whatever they wanted to write about, for questions to be asked without the fear of judgment, to not feel alone in this Plus Sized Life. To bring information from coast to coast, from country to country, across the seas via a place called LargeInCharge.com, a place on the net that belonged only to itself where no one can limit it, or the information it gave, and those who received its support.  

Now its 10 years later it was not an easy 10 years, even when youíre trying to do something positive... negativity will find you.  Still I kept this going through some of the hardest times in my life, and through the outpouring of hate, and the blessings of love that I received from the Plus Sized Community, and the people in it.  I have met wonderful people, connected with creative interesting individuals, traveled and saw many things, interviewed, spoken to and held close some great souls.   I made some friendships and lost even more when I choose to support the whole Plus Sized Community, not just a few selected ideas or types of plus sized people.  Still standing by my virtues was more important, no one would be rejected, what LargeInCharge was meant to be and who it would help was the key.

 

SoÖ itís time for the Magazine section to close its doors.  Maybe to come back one day or maybe not, only the future will tell.   The Radio show will continue to bring you topics to talk about and interviews with Plus Sized movers and shakers.  I have some thoughts for the online YouTube page that I am still developing, but itís time for Raqui to be LargeInCharge in life, and go after my life goals now that I can have some.  I have dreams never realized and some partially worked on, itís time to bring that full force, in focus and make it happen for myself.  It time for Raqui to be herself, to be happy about my direction, not a caregiver, not a fat chick, not limited, not demeaned or forgotten.   It's time to know what it is like to live a dream for me. Finally itís my time.... and itís time to say Goodbye, though itís hard but yes its time. 

 

Please continue to check out our back issues (they will remain active) listen to the Radio Show @ www.blogtalkradio.com/LargeInChargeRadio and visit our Facebook page www.facebook.com/pages/LargeInChargecom/114681878612922 where I will continue to post interesting things going on in the community and supportive inspirational thoughts. 

 

PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM RAQUI IN THIS MONTHS GOODBYE ISSUE: Go to Raqui-ism now to read my personal goodbye.

  Raqui-ism

 

 

 

 
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