In mid-December my mother had one of two massive strokes.  These occurred about a week apart from each other.  They robbed her of her ability to use the right side of her body and she cannot speak.  In the seven weeks since the start of this journey I have often cursed the fates, tried to blame someone for what had happened, and given into the feeling of hopelessness and despair.  I have walked on the edge of giving up before this journey has even begun.  Even now after weeks of sleeping mere feet from my mother in the many hospital rooms, I worry if this is the night that I lose my mother. 

 

The night is the worst time, when very little distracts your focus from her breathing and how shallow it can become.  You watch and wait as each little part of you wonders “don’t let that be the last breath, please God !!, help her.  You spend your time in prayer that God should take my life before my mother’s.  You make every deal you can in your mind with whatever cosmic force will potentially listen to you in an effort to keep her alive a little longer.  Finally, resignation comes in the form of asking that she should not be in pain, you would do anything to at least stop her pain.  If she has to die at least don’t let her be in pain.

 

This would give you a good representation of what my last seven weeks have been like in the late evening and early morning.  My friends have done their best to reach out to me, but I can only isolate myself even more.  There are only two things in my universe right now, my mother and what I have to do to help her.  The exhaustion falls into place and in those times I finally find a few moments of rest.  I have given up the fight.  I have nothing left to do battle.  Through this all I have tried to be conscience about a “lesson”, any lesson I should be learning, but up until now it has escaped me.  I finally got it yesterday.

 

After  many days of illness and sickness, my mother is finally well enough to be involved with her physical therapy and speech therapy.  While progress has been very small, they can see some level of progress.  Over the last three weeks all the nurses and therapist constantly tell me what a sweet mother I have.  I see the way that she interacts with them, the waves and excitement on her face when she sees them in the morning and how they look at her when they get her into bed after therapy or other treatment.  These folks have taken care of and even fought for the care of my mother.  In a word, that have loved her like she was family.

 

For the most part my mother is a very sweet lady, good disposition, but the folks that work with her often say she will touch their hand, arm or shoulder in reassurance to them and simply say the one word she can say “Good”.  One night I heard a nurse tell my mother that she (my mother) made her job a joy.  The message finally hit me.

 

Despite the lack of words or ability to do many things that she once could, she still has the ability to reach out and touch people, not just physically but on a spiritual level as well.  I was reminded once a again that we are all more than the sum of our parts, that we too have the full ability to “touch” others in a positive way if we just use what God has given us to do just that.  I can tell you that in that particular moment I was washed in a sense of awe and shame.  The awe can from what I had forgotten about our mission in this life…to help others.  The shame was from coming close to giving up on one person I should never give up on.. my mother.

 

We al have our own battles.  Sometimes we admit defeat before we even start.  But we must continue to fight the necessary battle everyday, if not for ourselves then for someone else.  When we get week we need to seek the guidance and counsel of those we trust the most.  In that way, no matter the outcome, we can at least always fight the battles that need to be fought.  My mother and I have only begun the journey of her recovery.  Together we stand resolute in the eventual winning of the day.  To this end I pledge myself, because I owe nothing less than everything I am to my mother.

 

From this day forth, pledge yourself to fighting those battles that need to be fought.

 

God bless each of you until next time.

Xander